Saturday, August 19, 2017
Home  >  Features  >  WOLVERWEEK: I F*&%ing Hate Wolverine - A MightyVille Editorial

It may be WOLVERWEEK on MightyVille, but B.J. Morgan's editorial has us thinking "WOLVERHATE" may have been more appropriate. Tell us why, B.J.!

 

It may be WOLVERWEEK on MightyVille, but B.J. Morgan's editorial has us thinking "WOLVERHATE" may have been more appropriate. Tell us why, B.J.!

 

I think Joe Kach mentioned in an e-mail a couple of weeks ago that WOLVERWEEK was coming up. My immediate reaction was two words spoken aloud to my laptop: “F*&% that.” Joe persisted, though. And here we are starring the ugly truth in the eyes.

I f*&%ing hate Wolverine.

I have tried to like him. I honestly have. My comic book collection, which is over 10,000 books strong, is littered with the first few issues of nearly every Wolverine book. Every time a Wolverine comic gets cancelled and a new volume rolls around (which, let’s not mince words, happens every other month now at Marvel), I get comic book fan amnesia. I forget that I hate the guy and I end up checking out the new Wolverine book. I can’t decide if it’s because I hate myself or if it’s because Wolverine’s true mutant power is suckering morons like myself into buying his books.

In a moment of deep catharsis, I decided it would be good for me to get on (digital) paper all the reasons that I hate Wolverine. The following is a Wolverine-like state of rage committed to the electronic blog format.

 



With my tongue somewhat firmly placed into my cheek, I ventured forward...

Ugh, History Has Proven My Brother Right

Losing arguments sucks. They suck even more if you continuously lose one over time.

My hate of Wolverine is outside of the norm. It’s obvious looking at sales and numbers of appearances that whole swaths of geekdom love the ol’ Canuck. I liken being a “huge” Wolverine fan to being any other sheep that follows the bandwagon. It’s easy to say you’re a Lebron James fan when he’s atop every other headline. Being a Wolverine fan is like saying you enjoy breathing air. However, my initial hatred of Wolverine is rooted in good science: it all originated with an argument with my brother.

You see, back in the day he was a Wolverine man; I was a Gambit man. I clearly remember arguing with him several times that Gambit was the superior X-Man to Wolverine. Go ahead and laugh at me. Maybe it was the teenage hormones dumbing me down, or maybe Gambit just fooled me with his scoundrel’s heart, but history has proven me wrong on so many occasions it hurts. While the arguments no doubt ended up in childish wordplay, the cold, hard facts on the ground paint a vivid picture of how wrong I was/am. 

Wolverine has appeared in approximately every other Marvel comic produced after 1987. He has had several comic books under his own moniker. Gambit can’t even helm a series that reaches issue 25. Jesus, he’s never even had his face plastered on underwear like Wolverine. They cancel Gambit books because they sell for shit, while Wolverine books get new volumes in order to ... well, I don’t know why, but they do. Wolverine has appeared in many movies, while Gambit appeared in the Wolverine’s shittiest movie.

There has always been a glimmer of hope inside of me that my devotion to inferior characters such as Gambit will pay off and that the comic gods would surely smite the hubris of characters like Wolverine. Years after my brother stopped reading comics, Wolverine is still plugging along without him. And yet another Gambit title is ready for the dustbins of the dollar box despite my undying support.

There is no justice in this world. You know what, Wolverine? F*&% you!  

 

 

The Worf Effect

Wolverine’s most audacious mutant power is his ability to heal from pretty much anything. Gunshots bothering you? Wolverine eats that shit for breakfast. Been sawed in half? You’ve just felt what Tuesdays and every other Friday feels like for Wolverine. Trapped inside of refrigerator while a nuclear bomb is going off? Wolverine does that kind of stuff for downtime.

Because of this nigh-invulnerability to pretty much any form of damage, Wolverine is thrown into a lot of situations where he’s just intended to have his ass beat profusely to prove just how much of a tough guy the current villain of the month really is (kind of like the Charlotte Bobcats in basketball, but I digress).

“There’s some unknown force of evil approaching the school. Let’s throw Wolverine at the bastard!”

Wolverine pops a claw, probably slugging back a beer while riding a motorcycle in the Canadian wilderness, and is then unleashed on the “unsuspecting” villain. Like any good football player, a villain deciding to go after the X-Men should know Wolverine is coming first. This is probably why we see Wolverine routinely ripped to shreds, plastered to the ground with his guts hanging out and much of his skeletal system showing. 

Don’t fear, he’ll get better and be the hero of the day before all is said and done. Marvel just plugs poor Ol’ Man Logan in the meat grinder every chance they get. I kind of feel bad for the guy. He’s often asked to do the impossible and is rarely rewarded with it in the short term.

Wolverine is marketed as the ultimate bad-ass to everyone, but the truth of the matter is that he gets schooled regularly and in the most gruesome and embarrassing ways. He’s been abused so much that each turn of the screws now must be more spectacular than the last. In the most recent Wolverine #1 (probably out last week), he got fried by a guy with a big light gun. That’s gotta suck for such a bad-ass.

I imagine Steve Rogers laughs behind his back when he starts trading war stories with him. “A light gun? I fought Nazis to trade stories with a guy who gets beat by light guns and goes to the Savage Land three times a month? You know what, Wolverine? F*&% you!

 




The Neighborhood Pump

Picture this. You’re reading some issue of, I don’t know, Captain Marvel or Spider-Man. As you flip the page, you see a panel of a guy standing in the shadows. Your stomach belts out a sharp pain, but you continue reading despite the stabbing protest. You know what’s coming. The shadowy character saunters into a panel all sly, wearing some gaudy leather jacket. He grunts and you feel that familiar sense of shame...

You have just stepped into the red light district of Marvel Comics. Oh yeah, you’re reading an issue where Wolverine guest stars.

Wolverine shows up in no less than twenty comics per month (I wish that were an exaggeration). He oozes his way into just about any and every situation that crops up in the Marvel Universe (I hope you’re not one of those assholes who calls it the “616”). He’s like an old prostitute trying to make seedy small talk with you after the deed has been done. All you want to do is get away. The shame of it all is overwhelming.  “You know I went into space last month with the Guardians of the Galaxy, right?” he asks as you just desperately try to slip the comic back into the polypropylene bag. You just want to leave, get the hell out of there, but that dirty Wolverine feeling hangs over you like a fog. “Yup, month before that I traveled to the Savage Land twice and went to Limbo with Doctor Strange.”

Wolverine is the Whore of Babylon. He’s on the street corner of the Marvel Universe turning tricks for any writer luckless enough to drive and ask to take him on a ride around the block. He just gets pumped for all the juice he’s worth and is set back out on the street no worse for the wear. I’ve heard that he does have an insanely awesome healing factor. He’s the Marvel whore with a heart of gold, ready for the plucking if you’re looking for some filler in your title between your previous Galactus arc and the next line-wide crossover. He’s always available, relatively cheap, and is always guaranteed to bring in a crowd. 

You know what, Wolverine? F*&% you! Just let me get my pants back on.

 



I’m the Best at What I Do, And What I Do Is Hypocrisy

Wolverine spends upwards of 95% of his face-time in any given book published in a month sawing off some wisdom about how killing should be a last resort. He has spent a considerable amount of time in the last five or six years lecturing various team members, allies, and a few villains about why killing is wrong in most circumstances.

The other 5% of his books involve him killing poor motherf*&%ers indiscriminately.

Wolverine likes to make out that he has to be one to make the hard choices, where others don’t get to have that same privilege. Just check out any book published after 2005. Go on. I’ll wait.

Did you enjoy the hypocrisy of those speeches? Well, Marvel thinks you do!   

I especially “enjoy” the moralizing about saving mutant students from violence on Utopia by moving them back to Westchester’s always safe Jean Grey School. You know, the school that is invaded every other day in Wolverine & the X-Men. Wolverine’s “safety first” only works if he’s keeping safety first. Instead, he usually can’t even be bothered to show up for work in his own freaking title. “Sorry I couldn’t be the headmaster of the school this month, but the new issues of New Avengers, X-Factor, Hawkeye, Winter Soldier, Superior Spider-Man, Secret Avengers, Justice League Dark, and Marvel Super Hero Squad needed me really badly. I’ll be here next month, promise!”

The only Wolverine book that was even good, Uncanny X-Force, spent loads of time disparaging violence while reveling in it. Wolverine would do some totally awesome, bad-ass shit in that book, only to dash it all by dropping a single, solitary tear into his brewsky while postulating what it all meant. This is why I’m a Punisher fan. You don’t have Frank Castle crying to Nick Fury about how violence is the last resort of broken down communication!

You know what, Wolverine? F*&% you! You can give me a lecture about it later.

 



My Wife Is Hot For Hugh Jackman

I’m not sure if this has as much to do with Wolverine as it does with Hugh Jackman, but my blood pressure is boiling already and it gives me a good opportunity to rant about my marriage. Double score!

Wolverine is supposed to be this manly man. I am also the manliest of men. We have a lot in common, but none of these things are attractive to my wife. Wolverine sweats ... which my wife thinks is gross on me. He has a hairy chest ... which has never impressed her when I have flashed mine. He has pointy protrusions that jut forth from his hand when he gets excitable ... while any pointed protrusions originating from me are treated as hostile forces.

It’s just not fair.  I look hot in a certain light (usually the absence of it).

I sometimes play X-Men Memory with wife. We don’t get kinky about it or anything, but I will randomly quiz her about who is on a certain page in my X-Men comic books that I am reading. And no, she has never gotten Gambit right. In fact, she once offensively referred to him as “Bandit.” You lose, Jennifer. You lose. 

Anyway, the only character she gets right 100% of the time is Wolverine. “That’s the guy that’s played by Hugh Jackman, right?” she purrs. She never purrs for me. But Hugh Jackman gets the purr?

You know what, Wolverine/Hugh Jackman? F*&% you!

 



The End

Despite reading this, and perhaps enjoying or sympathizing with some of it, Wolverine will proceed to annoy us all with his continued existence for some time. That is unless the rumors of his impending demise in 2014 are true. If they are ... well, he will only become more insufferable. Absence makes the heart grow fond. He will inevitably return and we fans will embrace him with open arms once again. I’ll clear out another five-issue space in a longbox for him, while simultaneously swearing at him under my breath. The cycle we call "comic book life" will continue, and Gambit Volume 14 will be cancelled by issue twelve.

I f*&%ing hate Wolverine so much that ... I’ll be seeing the movie this weekend with my wife, purring and all.

 

Well, fans? What are YOUR feelings towards Ol' Man Logan? Let us know!

 

More Editorials on MightyVille:

An IMAGE EXPO-Se and Gallery

Mr. Moyerman Goes to (Wizard World) Philadelphia

SUPERWEEK: SUPERMAN for Non-Superman Fans

 

Comments (2)
  • Joe_Kach  - Awesome
    Ha ha, I love this article!

    While I don't have as much Wolverhate as BJ seems to, I have to admit, I too was the 90s fanboy who favored Gambit to Logan.

    Oh, how time proved me wrong!

    --J.
  • el123chico  - better favorite than mine
    at least you guys picked a favorite x-man that got his own solo series. archangel never did. only the awesome sarcassa mini a few years back.

    great article BJ. and great choice of images. I love the one from Runaways. that issues is one of my selling points to that series. Anyone who complains about it being in the Marvel universe I tell "well, if you were to read a comic set in the Marvel universe wouldn't it be the one where Wolverine gets beat up by a 6 year old girl?"
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